French driving or 'Fuite en avant'

Everytime I go out in the car I find myself gasping at the antics of other drivers. I would love to have a video camera running permanently to show you what I mean. It could be a box office hit!


I don't know if it is a country wide phenomenon or a local speciality, guests from Paris did comment on local drivers and seemed to be as bemused/terrified as me.

The underpinning philosophy can be summed up as 'fuite en avant', for drivers the thought process seems to be 'oh there is a tricky and potentially dangerous situation ahead I will put my foot down and get past it as quickly as possible.

Imagine, there is a large group of cyclists on the opposite side of the road and a car approaching, at the point where you are slowing down it speeds up and hurtles towards you on your side of the road. The driver's expression clearly indicates surprise and then anger that you have the audacity to be in his way.

Variations of this can be found everywhere, recently as a pedestrian in a carpark, the car I was walking past suddenly reversed at speed towards me, the driver was looking forwards, I tapped the back of his car and he looked furious, presumably knocking me over would have been preferable.

I have been wondering what the french driving test must be like and have come up with this. All based on my own experiences and observations.

Pulling away; 

 Make sure that you have you mobile phone wedged firmly in place on the opposite side to your cigarette. A drink can be balanced on the dashboard. Remeber that the collie likes the window open so that he can lean all the way out and remain cool. If the car is full crates and other heavy items can be balanced on the bonnet. Now pull out.

Parking;

Stop the car and get out. Handy hint, traffic islands are an undervalued resource that provide ample space to park on even the busiest days. If you have spotted a friend there is no need to leave your cars, just stop, wind the windows down and spend an hour or two catching up on the gossip.
If you do need to park the car for any length of time make sure that you find a large enough space, a triple space is ideal, make sure that your position maximises your occupancy of all three spaces, this reduces the possibility of some idiot parking too close to you later.

Junctions;

Easy, just pull out and continue.

Signals,
Vastly over-rated, however they can be useful if you want to convey your dismay at the impatience of some people who want to deprive you of your right to drive as you wish.

Other drivers;

Can be a hazard especially if they insist on using the road at the same time. Best dealt with by signal, see above.

Fuel consumption;

This can be greatly reduced by straightening out all the bends , preferably at speed.
You could also reduce your fuel consumption by removing unused equipment from the car, indicators, the clutch and the handbrake would be obvious places to start as you will never use them.

It can be funny, it is often shocking but sadly it can also be fatal.